Thursday, May 12, 2011

NHL Player's Association Threatens Owners with Extended Season

It's been a season of nail-biters, comebacks and heartbreakers, but the excitement of the playoffs has been overshadowed with the looming offseason, as NHL owners and the NHPA enter into talks for a new collective bargaining agreement. Early reports suggest that the Players' Association are using the threat of an extended regular season as leverage over the owners. "We are confident that the prospect of enduring a 90 or 94-game season will be sufficient incentive for the owners to agree to our terms," said union spokesman Bob Goodenow. "We are also exploring the option of extending the preseason." Despite such intimidation tactics, owners remain resolute in their commitment to paying players in sandwiches.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Headlines Vol. 6: Soccer

Brazilian Walrus Defeats U.S. National Team in Friendly
Walrão, as he is know is his home country, flummoxed the American squad with his superior ball-handling and patented tusk shot.

Italian Club Disciplined for Being Too "Rule-Oriented"
A scathing report showed that the Palermo-based team bet on less than half of their own games, misappropriated a mere 30% of their revenue, and could not conclusively claim connection to any homicides in the past year.

Manchester Residents Divided Over Support of Manchester United
The city's mayor called this year's team the most divisive squad since the dissolution of Mancurians Holding Hands In a Big Circle F.C.
Uh Oh, Looks Like the Twenty-Something Next to You Wants to Talk Soccer
It's a two-hour flight from here to Cleveland, so you can probably just grin and bear it.

Ronaldhino Mistakenly Euthanized After Twisting Ankle
The star striker's equestrian appearance confused medical professionals at the scene.


Monday, February 28, 2011

Athletes: What are they thinking? Vol. 5 (Family Matters)

In the fifth installment, Dr. Wilhelm Goodrich examines athletes in their domestic state. Beware the lion in the presence of its cub.

An artist's rendering of Dr. Wilhem Goodrich

Ben Wallace: "I defy you to find a musical artist better than the great Perry Como."
Ray Allen: "I'm going to squeeze the jaundice out of this boy."
Albert Pujols: "Wife-friend, I suggest you return my ball cap."
Ronaldo: ""
Dale Earnhardt: "Damn I wish you was Asian."

Monday, February 14, 2011

Headlines Vol. 5: Baseball

John Kruk Receives Lifetime Achievement Award from Golden Corral
"I've never seen anyone do those kinds of things to food," a spokesperson for the buffet chain said.

Websight's Baiseball Editor Ou)t Sick

Is that Pat Burrell Hitting on your Sister?
Visual evidence appears to confirm that the veteran slugger is indeed whispering sweet nothings in your sister's ear.

Pirates Lose Intersquad Scrimmage
The ill-conceived thought project of manager Clint Hurdle resulted in 47 errors and two casualties.

Man atop Seattle Space Needle Shouts "This is Mariner's Baseball" Before Plummeting 520 Feet to his Death
The man's obituary noted his passion for excessively poignant, highly symbolic cultural commentary.

Grandpa Still Trying to Convince You That He Played Some Minor League Ball

What's that Grandpa? You struck out Stan Musial? Sure you did.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Athletes: What are they thinking? Vol. 4 (Basketball)

Ray Allen: "They call me Milwaukee's Best, because I'm light, bubbly and I finish smooth."Mascot: "I want to drink you."
Patrick Ewing: "My goodness! Old Spice antiperspirant really does protect against sweat, even in the most stressful situations. Kevin, I think you and I agree, if it's not Old Spice it's simply not the best."
Carmelo Anthony: "I enjoy pondering life's imponderables."
Shaq: "I'm happy to be inside the esophageal tract of the Kool Aid Man!"

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Headlines Vol. 5: Broadcasting

Blind Play-by-Play Announcer Says Whatever the Hell He Feels Like Saying
"And the Seattle Mariners are world champions of baseball!"

ESPN Replaces Chris Berman with Howler Monkey

Focus groups preferred the primate's guttural moans to Berman's obtuse references and paragraph-length nicknames.

Joe Buck to Fan, "Hi Mom!"
Mrs. Buck says she finds her son "watchable" and "not so smug if you turn the volume low."

Middle School Basketball Game Brought to You By Insecurities
Co-sponsored by hormones and desperation