Monday, February 28, 2011

Athletes: What are they thinking? Vol. 5 (Family Matters)

In the fifth installment, Dr. Wilhelm Goodrich examines athletes in their domestic state. Beware the lion in the presence of its cub.

An artist's rendering of Dr. Wilhem Goodrich












Ben Wallace: "I defy you to find a musical artist better than the great Perry Como."
Ray Allen: "I'm going to squeeze the jaundice out of this boy."
Albert Pujols: "Wife-friend, I suggest you return my ball cap."
Ronaldo: "Ahahahahaha...futbol."
Dale Earnhardt: "Damn I wish you was Asian."

Monday, February 14, 2011

Headlines Vol. 5: Baseball

John Kruk Receives Lifetime Achievement Award from Golden Corral
"I've never seen anyone do those kinds of things to food," a spokesperson for the buffet chain said.


Websight's Baiseball Editor Ou)t Sick
Dave, PLEASE REMEMBER TO WRITE A CAPTION FOR THIS PHOTO


Is that Pat Burrell Hitting on your Sister?
Visual evidence appears to confirm that the veteran slugger is indeed whispering sweet nothings in your sister's ear.


Pirates Lose Intersquad Scrimmage
The ill-conceived thought project of manager Clint Hurdle resulted in 47 errors and two casualties.


Man atop Seattle Space Needle Shouts "This is Mariner's Baseball" Before Plummeting 520 Feet to his Death
The man's obituary noted his passion for excessively poignant, highly symbolic cultural commentary.



Grandpa Still Trying to Convince You That He Played Some Minor League Ball

What's that Grandpa? You struck out Stan Musial? Sure you did.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Athletes: What are they thinking? Vol. 4 (Basketball)

Ray Allen: "They call me Milwaukee's Best, because I'm light, bubbly and I finish smooth."Mascot: "I want to drink you."
Patrick Ewing: "My goodness! Old Spice antiperspirant really does protect against sweat, even in the most stressful situations. Kevin, I think you and I agree, if it's not Old Spice it's simply not the best."
John Stockton: "YES! YES! YES! HALL AND MOTHERFUCKIN' OATES ARE IN THE SLC TONIGHT!"
Carmelo Anthony: "I enjoy pondering life's imponderables."
Shaq: "I'm happy to be inside the esophageal tract of the Kool Aid Man!"


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Headlines Vol. 5: Broadcasting

Blind Play-by-Play Announcer Says Whatever the Hell He Feels Like Saying
"And the Seattle Mariners are world champions of baseball!"












ESPN Replaces Chris Berman with Howler Monkey

Focus groups preferred the primate's guttural moans to Berman's obtuse references and paragraph-length nicknames.
















Joe Buck to Fan, "Hi Mom!"
Mrs. Buck says she finds her son "watchable" and "not so smug if you turn the volume low."
















Middle School Basketball Game Brought to You By Insecurities
Co-sponsored by hormones and desperation