Friday, January 21, 2011

Athletes: What are they Thinking? Vol. 3

In-house psychologist and palm-reader Dr. Wilhelm Goodrich returns for another edition of "Athletes: What are they Thinking?" In this installment Dr. Goodrich reaches into our two-toned past for images of the black-n-white variety.
Above: An artist's rendering of Dr. Wilhelm Goodrich

Honus Wagner: "I cannot possibly envision a world wherein complete strangers can view my photograph using an interconnected web of fiber-optic telegraph lines. I also cannot envision a world in which society considers the name 'Honus' outdated. I, Honus Wagner, lack imagination."

Pele: "Move over barbecue meat skewers, beach thongs, and Jesus statues. It's time to make room for Pele on Brazil's mountain of excellence!"

Terry Bradshaw: "You're just been Bradshawed baby!"

Joe Namath: "Who devised these terrible plays? Communists?"

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Black-and-Yellow Assholes, Green Advance

After the dust settled on the gridirons of the AFC playoffs on Sunday, the suspense was ended as fans learned that the assholes in the black and yellow outfits and the assholes in the green would advance to the AFC Championship game.

"Obviously, this was a huge win, not just for us dickheads playing the game, but for our asshole fans as well," smirked that one prick from the black-and-yellow team, following a nail-biting 31-24 victory over those shit-eaters in the purple. "Now we're already preparing for next Sunday's game," against the insufferable assholes in the green. The blowhard fuck coach of said green assholes was no less excited. "It was great to see our gameplans pan out against those arrogant shits draped in red white and blue jerseys," he blustered.

The winner of next week's matchup will advance to the Superbowl, where they will face either those schmucks in the blue and orange, or Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Funny Sports Vol. 6: Duckpin Bowling

Meet duckpin bowling, a game that sadly does not involve rolling a large round object toward a flock of unsuspecting geese. Duckpin bowling is just like regular bowling except that the balls are smaller, the pins are shorter and fatter, and each player gets three turns per frame instead of the customary two. Tiny balls, fat pins, and undeserved third chances: smells like America!

Most Commonly Seen In: Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware (other states roll their eyes).

Watch Out...If you step over the line during your turn opponents might call "fowl!"

Couldn't You Just AFLAC commercial where the cursed spokes-duck finds himself accidentally substituted for one of the pins in a perfect twist of homonymic punnery? It's funny how the same part of our brain that responds to slapstick duck humor also controls our desire to thoughtfully reflect on the value of workman's compensation. Good call advertisers.

Fun Fact: The smaller-sized balls make duckpin bowling a great fit for the kids, or the guy with the tiny hands in that Burger King commercial.

Greatest Duckpin Bowlers of All Time: Jeff "Quack Assassin" Davis, Devon "Mallard Mauler" McClintock, Harold "Duckpin Harold" Haroldson, The Avian Flu.

Above: A surpisingly well-done and completely unironic look into the world of duckpin bowling.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Headlines Vol. 4: Olympic Sports

Panicked Decathlon Organizers Can't Recall Ninth Event, Order Participants to "Do Something Active"
Decathletes play a game of "the human knot" during the unplanned intermission

Michael Phelps Down for Some Beer Pong
Phelps said he wouldn't mind a game or two.

Djibouti's Bid for 2020 Olympics Falls Flat on its Ass
The International Olympic Committee said the proposal smelled like butt.

Humans Continue to Take Credit for Horse's Jumping Ability

The redcoated woman received various accolades while the athletic horse received oats, and not even the good kind.

Curling Champion Accused of Using "Enhanced" Broom
The broom in question (pictured above) made a loud whirring sound, disturbing the fan in attendance.

NBC Taps Al Michaels for Historic Re-Broadcast of Jesus' "Miracle on Water"

Monday, January 10, 2011

Mean Nicknames Vol 1: The New England "Gay"-triots

Mean Nicknames is a column dedicated to finding derivative words that rhyme with the names of professional athletes. In this edition, we run down as many Patriots players as we can think of:

Tom Brady? More like Tom FRAIDY.
Wes Welker? More like MESS Welker.
Vince Wilfork? More like WINCE PILL-DORK.
Danny Woodhead? More like WAH-NNY Woodhead.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis? More like BenHARMLESS MEAN-SMELLIS.
Aaron Hernandez? More like SWEARIN' Her-WAHndez
Deion Branch? More like PEE-ON BLANCHE.
Julian Edelman? More like JULIE'S-IN BED-WITH-MEN.
Devin McCourty? More like DEAD, AND LOOKS FORTY.
Shayne Graham? More like PLAIN SHAM.
Ty Warren? More like CRY "BORIN'!"

Bonus! Bill Belichick? More like WILL SMELL-A-DICK.

Stay classy, viewers!

Headlines Vol. 3: High School Athletics

According to Peers High School Fencing Champion "Still Gay"

Star QB Commits to USC, Back-Up Commits to Life of Regret

Titans Forgotten

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Elements of Safety

Sport is ever evolving, and recent advances in technology have changed the way we understand and experience our games of play. The increased presence of protective speaks to the very tangible impact of modernity on sports  Spurred by the advent of plastics and new metal alloys, modern athletics features countless reminders of science's inexorable forward march. TUS takes time to investigate and appreciate the idiot-proof-ification of sports with a segment we like to call, "The Elements of Safety."

Today we explore:

The Facemask

Sports: Football, Lax, Sweet Lax, Hockey (goalie only), Baseball (catcher only), Basketball (Richard Hamilton only), Fan (only if sitting within punching radius of Ron Artest).

Purpose: To prevent balls from contacting one's face. (Insert punchline)

Confusing homonym pair: Same word also refers to an exfoliating mud when its splattered on a woman's face.

Fun Fact: No one has ever devised a fun fact pertaining to facemasks.

Unsanctioned Uses: Establishing a reign of terror over the children in a Chuck-e-Cheese ball pit, living and/or letting die, hazing the fuckin frosh.

Deep Thoughts: Without the facemask would fictional mass murderer Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th even exist? More importantly, would the film Freddy v. Jason have come to pass? What about the cottage industry of people who make throwback hockey facemasks for halloween costumes, what happens to them in this alternate reality? Please reflect...

Video Representations of Pittsburgh Sports

Since its appears Pittsburgh is this week's centerpiece city, TUS has compiled an album of three youtube videos representing each one of the Steel City's sports teams:




Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A glance into what makes a shity a city

I'm glad Lily clarified, "a true Pittsburgher's perspective" because this brings me to a point that I almost always must clarify. Let's look at an example:

Random Person: "So, where are you from?

Me: (uh...) "Pittsburgh.. but.."

Random Person: "" (That bulb goes off in the person's head, ugh pittsburgh!? They almost feel sorry for you, they give you the look a mother gives a child when he falls and injures himself)

Me: ..but I'm actually from D.C.

Random Person: "That's cool" (You're still from Pittsburgh, its okay)

So I'm glad I did not give a true Pittsburgher's perspective because that would be like getting the Carolina Panther's perspective on the Super Bowl this year (totally irrelevant). Lily, this is not directed at you, you know you mah boi blue, but child please it's Pittsburgh we are talking about.

On a Friday night anywhere from 5-8 pm (I have done this several times), you can drive through one end of the city to the other (through 6 bridges) in less than 5 minutes. It is relatively small (56 largest city in U.S) and there really isn't much to do besides go to a steelers game, go up an 1800's incline, and say yinz.

Supposedly, there is a pretty decent bar area down in the "South Side". Actually it has the longest strip of bars in the world no lie. So ask me this then, If on a friday night at 2 am at the longest strip of bars in the world why couldn't my friends (lily was there) find a cab the rest of the night?

Because you couldn't even find cash cab on tv in pittsburgh, there are, no joke, almost 0 cabs in shitsburgh.

This guy plays here.

Pittsburgher's use words like yinz, buggy (grocery cart), crick (creek), stillers (steelers) and are the perfect mix of West Virginia and Cleveland... a little more classy than WV, a little bit cooler than Cleveland.

There's also no regional rail or subway which kind of pisses me off.

I could go on forever.. but I'll stop and await my response...


I just saw this on yahoo news:

Re: Big Ben's Engagement (A true Pittsburgher's Perspective)

Q: What's the last thing a father wants his daughter to tell him?
A: I'm engaged to be the future Mrs. Roethlisberger!

Let's be real here, general consensus says a woman wanting to marry Big Ben is equivalent to a pit bull declaring it's unfaltering love for Mike Vick (assuming pit bulls have the same level of understanding about Vick's past as this suburban girl has of Ben's -- totally possible). So what's going on? Maybe she's been listening to too many old Backstreet Boys singles, or maybe she's been kept in a cupboard under the stairs all her life. Or maybe she's ahead of her time. Look at Kobe Bryant, what comes to mind first rape or championships?

This is not a defense of Ben's unacceptable behavior. But this is the NFL. We pay these guys millions to entertain us by tackling, ramming, and concussing each other. And their successes and losses warm or break our hearts (or bring us dangerously close to tossing our tv's across the room). So when you take someone prone to bad decision making, allow him to flourish in a sport that revolves around hard hitting and brute strength, pay him more than his father will make in a lifetime, and call him "Big Ben" you're asking for trouble. People learn from their mistakes, stupid people learn after a mistake finally impacts their quality of life. And while one could argue that repeatedly not wearing a helmet while biking, constantly throwing footballs while three 250 pound men are sacking you to the ground, and garnering slaps and general dislike from Pittsburgh's (unbelievably attractive) female community are all mistakes that offer impediments to one's reputation/QofL, Benny Boo needed that extra something to put it all together.

So why would this girl want to give her dad a heart attack? Maybe she really wants money. Maybe she's that big of a Steelers fan. But more likely the events of this summer finally broke through the Ohio-grown shield protecting Ben's "brain" from common sense/decency. It might be love, or it might be a great way to lead a comfortable lifestyle ( Either way general consensus in Pittsburgh is that he's finally learned his lesson. To be clear: lesson learned does not equal person changed. But lesson learned opens the door for a girl with the "savior" mindset to swoop in and let him put a ring on it. Lesson learned + fiance who wants to transform Big Ben to Big Bashful Ben = potential for person changed.

So sure, we can criticize Ben's poor judgement, tendency to assault women, and lack of aesthetically pleasing bone structure. People enjoy hating on famous athletes for a reason. But that's not going to stop him from playing in the AFC Championship game, adding a new ring to his collection, and moving on with his life. And honestly, in 10 years will we remember Ben as Rapelisberger, or as the quarterback who defined a new style of Pittsburgh Steelers football?

See (some of) yins in the playoffs.


Headlines Vol. 2: College Coaches

Joe Paterno Still Not Sure What All the Fuss is About

Crude Joke About John Wooden Not Taken Lightly


John Calipari's Hair Gel Speaks to NCAA Investigators

Ben Roethlisberger Engaged? She said no, but they're getting married anyways

Now this is my first post and most of my posts won't be so angry, but really:
What is this girl thinking?

The article link is here where the news first broke:

But really, this guy is not only a disgusting human being, but he is also very very unattractive.
see: Also note it looks the like hot family cousin about to put 12 year old Eli to sleep after drinking too much egg nog one christmas night.

But back to the topic, Everyone is saying nowadays that Ben has had a few years to become a better man, but I don't know how after two years you can even change that much, especially when there were 2 separate accusations (if he werent an nfl quarterback, they would have been classified as acts) of sexual assualt.

Let's make a little list (pro v cons)
-The guy probably has brain damage from being an nfl quarterback as well as crashing his motorcycle while riding without a helmet (idiot).

-He was quoted in 2009 as saying the best perk of being an nfl quarterback was the "hooking up"

-Another quote: "It's a violent, physical contact sport, and there's a chance you're going to get hit. [The media] don't talk about the bruises we have all over our bodies. If I showed you a bruise on my shoulder and a bruise on my shin, it wouldn't get talked about as much."
Not really sure how that helps the concussion debate, but sure..


He's famous, has won super bowls (see: referees v seattle), and has tons of money

And although even I think he is a terrible human being, I have a feeling other people may not even know they feel the same way. Look at this yahoo sports page from today, is it not dropping sexual inferences everywhere (even more so for brandon jacobs, read about his salty exit)?

But in all seriousness, what is this girl thinking? Who knows, but even if she said no to the proposal and they're still getting married.. I still wish them both the best.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Orioles Hope to Increase Revenue with "Yankees-Redsox Night"

Baltimore, MD - With record lows in attendance over the 2010 season, Orioles owner Peter Angelos unveiled a new promotional campaign aimed at refilling seats. Following the financial success of "Bobblehead Night" and "Student Night", Angelos announced Friday that every third home game of the Orioles' 2011 season will be designated "Yankees-Redsox Night" and will feature a baseball game between the two AL powerhouses.

"It's all about sparking interest," said Angelos. "And, let's face it, when it comes to interest you can't do much better than these two teams." Orioles upper management believes the star attraction generated by high-caliber players like Kevin Youklis, Mark Teixeira, and Derek Jeter will help revive the lackluster Camden Yards attendance. "We're giving the fans some quality baseball, here," Angelos added.

Some say that the novelty game, which will take place in between the first and second innings, is merely a distraction from the real problems of the Orioles franchise. The Orioles have not had a winning season in this millennium, and questions abound about managerial decisions. Angelos and GM Andy MacPhail acknowledged the criticism, but remained steadfast that the Yankees-Redsox game will be a positive step for the team. "It may be a little gimmicky, but we feel that the crowd will grow to enjoy it," said MacPhail. "In fact, we're surprised that we're the only club implementing this program." According to reports, higher-ups in the Boston Redsox staff have cordially declined the possibility of an "Orioles-Blue Jays Night".

Headlines Vol. 1: White Basketball Players

Movie About Life and Times of Brian Scalabrine Not in the Works

Steve Nash's Game, Genetic Code Still Evolving

Dirk Nowitzki to Fans: "I'm Not David Hasselhoff"

Monday, January 3, 2011

2010: The Year in Review

This is the year that was, in sports:

February 7: Miami, Florida - Saints fans everywhere learn that the reconstructive power of sport does not include the power to reconstruct a gutted house. You still need hammers, nails, and money.

February 14-28: Vancouver, Canada -  Despite decades of non-participation from most of the world's nations, white people continue to train for, participate in, and televise the Winter Olympics.

February 17: Orlando, Florida - Tiger Woods single-handedly exhausts the nation's reserves of bad adultery/golf-related humor. Have I heard the one about Tiger and the six wood? Yes, yes I have.

March: Everywhere - After a busy February, sports takes the month off.

April 9: Baltimore, Maryland - The 2010 Orioles take the field for their home opener. 30,000 pairs of eyes begin to bleed simultaneously.

May 9: Oakland, California - Dallas Braden pitches a perfect game on the same day that half-brother Houston Braden flips, by all accounts, a perfect burger.

June 10: Washington, DC - Stephen Strasburg allows a two-run home run to Pittsburgh Pirates' second basemen Delwyn Young.

June 11: Johannesburg, South Africa - South Africa opens the 2010 World Cup of Vuvuzeling with a soccer match against Mexico.

July 8: Greenwich, Connecticut - Upon the suggestion of a cost-conscious local named Jake Ralston, Le Bron James takes his digestive talents to Applebee's for a 2 for $20 entree special.

August 29: Cleatusville, Mississippi - analyst Ed Werder files a 1500-word report on Brett Favre's dingleberries.

October 24: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - In a string of irrational acts completely unrelated to the Philadelphia Phillies' loss in the National League Championship Series, Avi Wolfman-Arent severely compromises many of his most cherished personal relationships.

November 12: Geneva, New York - The Hobart College chapter of Sigma Alpha Tau celebrates their intramural Beer Pong championship with a game of beer pong.

December 26: The Meadowlands, New Jersey - Inspired by the thrilling conclusion of the Eagles-Giants game, Crayloa introduces a new color of crayon called Tom-Coughlin's- Face-When-He-Is-Cold-And-Angry-As-Shit-At-His-Punter Red.

December 31: New Orleans, Lousiana - Eli Manning almost makes it to midnight this year before falling asleep on the sofa at 11:18 pm. Parents Archie and Olivia carry him upstairs and tuck him in under his favorite Toy Story blanket.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sports Brief: Bettman Urges NHL to Boost Win Percentage

New York - In a press conference on Monday, January 3rd, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman sent a strong message to NHL coaches, players and staff to "play our hardest, get up those wins, move up in the standings" to compete against Major League Baseball, the National Football League, and the National Basketball Association.

Citing a .500 record of "around 1230-1230" in every season of the past decade (excluding the canceled 2005 season due to labor dispute), Bettman praised teams such as the Detroit Red Wings and New Jersey Devils for doing their part, while bringing into the question the performance of less successful teams such as the Phoenix Coyotes.

"For every ['09-'10 season] performance of 47-35, by the Pittsburgh Penguins, we end up having a 35-47 performance, by the Atlanta Thrashers. Meanwhile in baseball we have the Yankees, the Red Sox, the Phillies, the Braves winning god knows how many games for their leagues."

"In the short term, I would like to go from mediocre to better-than-average," Bettman said, "and then we can look to the playoffs." The NHL has an equally average post-season win-percentage.

Bettman stopped the press conference early to head home for game night with his family. Sources say Bettman became increasingly frustrated with the game of Jenga because "it never feels like we're getting anywhere."

Funny Sports Vol. 5

Meet Slug Wars, indisputable evidence that America's time as a world superpower is coming to an end. Imagine this: You're at a slumber party and the homoerotic tension is reaching a boiling point. How do release some of the pressure before this thing turns into a full-blown, man-on-man Roman orgy like last week? Quick: everyone go head first into your sleeping bag and start rubbing up against one another!

Most Commonly Seen In: sheds, basements, truck stops.

Rules and Regulations: As the video clip demonstrates, referees must wear paraphernalia from Duke, Harvard, or a university of equivalent douchiness.

Similar Sports: butterfly battles, centipede sieges, anal trampoline.

Famous Quotes: "Will is on!" (3:55 in the video).

Interesting Fact: The Bruge Brothers, who directed the above segment, also helped produce Oscar favorite Black Swan.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Spurs Attribute Winning Ways to New 7-Man Formations

San Antonio, TX - Sitting pretty with the best record in the NBA, the San Antonio Spurs say that their success is based largely on their team effort, work ethic during practice, and the innovative 7-man plays and formations drawn up by coach Gregg Popovich. "We were running a standard 5-0n-5 scrimmage in practice one day when I thought, 'hey, let's throw in another couple of players for one team,' recalls Popovich. 'Man, you should have seen how quickly the tempo of the game changed. We dropped them into a 3-4 zone defense and the other team just couldn't get anything off. They couldn't drive the lane, they couldn't shoot from the outside. It's really changed our philosophy." The Spurs' record is a testament to the effectiveness of Popovich's changes. The formations are flexible enough to allow double coverage on hot shooters with the remaining players shifting into a more traditional 2-3. On the offensive side of the coin, the Spurs are enjoying the benefits of throwing double pick-and-rolls and the pentagon offense. Popovich has denied suspicions that his team my transition into an 8-man offense: "There's no way that would work."