Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Elements of Safety

Sport is ever evolving, and recent advances in technology have changed the way we understand and experience our games of play. The increased presence of protective speaks to the very tangible impact of modernity on sports  Spurred by the advent of plastics and new metal alloys, modern athletics features countless reminders of science's inexorable forward march. TUS takes time to investigate and appreciate the idiot-proof-ification of sports with a segment we like to call, "The Elements of Safety."

Today we explore:

The Facemask

Sports: Football, Lax, Sweet Lax, Hockey (goalie only), Baseball (catcher only), Basketball (Richard Hamilton only), Fan (only if sitting within punching radius of Ron Artest).

Purpose: To prevent balls from contacting one's face. (Insert punchline)

Confusing homonym pair: Same word also refers to an exfoliating mud when its splattered on a woman's face.

Fun Fact: No one has ever devised a fun fact pertaining to facemasks.

Unsanctioned Uses: Establishing a reign of terror over the children in a Chuck-e-Cheese ball pit, living and/or letting die, hazing the fuckin frosh.

Deep Thoughts: Without the facemask would fictional mass murderer Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th even exist? More importantly, would the film Freddy v. Jason have come to pass? What about the cottage industry of people who make throwback hockey facemasks for halloween costumes, what happens to them in this alternate reality? Please reflect...

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