Monday, January 3, 2011

2010: The Year in Review

This is the year that was, in sports:

February 7: Miami, Florida - Saints fans everywhere learn that the reconstructive power of sport does not include the power to reconstruct a gutted house. You still need hammers, nails, and money.

February 14-28: Vancouver, Canada -  Despite decades of non-participation from most of the world's nations, white people continue to train for, participate in, and televise the Winter Olympics.

February 17: Orlando, Florida - Tiger Woods single-handedly exhausts the nation's reserves of bad adultery/golf-related humor. Have I heard the one about Tiger and the six wood? Yes, yes I have.

March: Everywhere - After a busy February, sports takes the month off.

April 9: Baltimore, Maryland - The 2010 Orioles take the field for their home opener. 30,000 pairs of eyes begin to bleed simultaneously.

May 9: Oakland, California - Dallas Braden pitches a perfect game on the same day that half-brother Houston Braden flips, by all accounts, a perfect burger.

June 10: Washington, DC - Stephen Strasburg allows a two-run home run to Pittsburgh Pirates' second basemen Delwyn Young.

June 11: Johannesburg, South Africa - South Africa opens the 2010 World Cup of Vuvuzeling with a soccer match against Mexico.

July 8: Greenwich, Connecticut - Upon the suggestion of a cost-conscious local named Jake Ralston, Le Bron James takes his digestive talents to Applebee's for a 2 for $20 entree special.

August 29: Cleatusville, Mississippi - analyst Ed Werder files a 1500-word report on Brett Favre's dingleberries.

October 24: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - In a string of irrational acts completely unrelated to the Philadelphia Phillies' loss in the National League Championship Series, Avi Wolfman-Arent severely compromises many of his most cherished personal relationships.

November 12: Geneva, New York - The Hobart College chapter of Sigma Alpha Tau celebrates their intramural Beer Pong championship with a game of beer pong.

December 26: The Meadowlands, New Jersey - Inspired by the thrilling conclusion of the Eagles-Giants game, Crayloa introduces a new color of crayon called Tom-Coughlin's- Face-When-He-Is-Cold-And-Angry-As-Shit-At-His-Punter Red.

December 31: New Orleans, Lousiana - Eli Manning almost makes it to midnight this year before falling asleep on the sofa at 11:18 pm. Parents Archie and Olivia carry him upstairs and tuck him in under his favorite Toy Story blanket.

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