Friday, December 17, 2010

"High Tops" with Marlon Brando Vol. 1

Hello folks, it's me, Marlon Brando. I've signed on with TUS as a part-time correspondent to give you my take on the comings and goings of the National Basketball Association. I call this column "High Tops," named after the specialized, ankle-supporting sneakers that many basketball players use.  I've got a lot of opinions so let's get right to it.

Le Baron James
Now first I want to talk to you folks about this Le Baron James. I hear that people are getting all gussy about his decision to play with Darren Wade and the Miami Heat. Awww geeeez folks...YOU HARDLY GAVE THE KID A CHANCE! He's a damn good kid, honest-to-goodness the kid's got heart. And just like the beeyoootiful Chrysler sedan he's named after, the kid knows how to drive the lane. Just put some gas in the kid and go go go...yeesh. So this week, I'm smoldering at all the folks that are givin' the kid a rough time...WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?

The Set Shot
Friends, what happened to the set shot? Excauuuuuuse me for asking, but nowadays it's all jumpy jumpy, guys doing jam dunks and stuff shots. Where's the class? I remember Paul Arizin used to do a set shot from the corner, NEVER MISSED! When I see Karl Bryant bouncing around the gym it makes me sick. So this week, I'm smoldering at these so-called "jump shooters," HOLD YOUR DAMN GROUND!

European Players
I don't know about you, but last time I checked it was called the National Basketball Association, not the International Basketball Association. It seems like every team has a Pierre or a Jose or an Enrico, and I don't like it one bit. Would the great George Mikan have been so great if his name was Jorge Mikan? I DOUBT IT! But these days it's all about global marketing. If the New York Knickerbockers can get their hands on some tall Swede with a thousand-watt grin they'll stick him at center. Who cares if he can't tell a BASKETBALL FROM A BAGUETTE?!?!? So this week I'm smoldering at all you overseas talent scouts, GET YOUR BUTTS BACK TO THE STATES!

That's all for this edition of "High Tops." I hope you enjoyed yourself, I know I did. Until next time, I'll see you around the peach basket.

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