Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Baby Lab Vol. 1

With advances in modern technology it's only a matter of time before scientists can manipulate genetic code in order to produce a new breed of SUPER ATHLETES. But why wait for the Geek-a-sauruses in the biology world to catch up?

In the spirit of progress TUS reaches across time, space, and gender to propose a fresh batch of athlete-on-athlete love children. Armed with imagination and the crude interface of microsoft paint, TUS presents volume one of "The Baby Lab." Let the mad science begin!

Evander (Holyfield) (Joe) DiMaggio
Straight out of a Simon & Garfunkel greatest hits collection, "The Boxer" meets "Mrs. Robinson."
Sport: Baseball
Assets: 1) Could wreak havoc on opposing pitching staffs by punching them in the face. 2) Blitalians are hot.
Drawbacks: Bite-a-bility of ears might lure blood-thirsty  Barry Bonds out of retirement.
Famous Future Quote: "I'm the only living boy in New York...due to the fact that, in this future world I inhabit, the entire city is under water. I live on a house boat."

Allen (Iverson)   (Michael) Phelps
Can drive the lane and stay in his lane. Can freestyle swim and freestyle rap. Can swim butterfly and stay superfly
Sport: Water Polo
Assets: 1) Would break water polo's unintentional color barrier. 2) Line of water-proof headbands could change fashion forever.
Drawbacks: Both dads have been arrested on weed-related charges. Those kinds of "gateway genes" could spell trouble.
Famous Future Quote: "Practice?!? Practice!?!?....Seriously I can't hear you, I'm under water."

Abert (Haynesworth)  (Tara) Lipinski

Might triple lutz her way into America's hearts or cleat someone in the face, whichever way the genetic cookie crumbles.
Sport: Roller Derby
Assets: 1) One parent represents all that is right with American sports, the other all that is wrong. Child could be the total package. 2) Roller derby successes might inspire long overdo re-make of "Whip It."
Drawbacks: Child would be an unholy cross-pollination between polar opposites, a cesspool of swirling contradictions, a mutated half-beast of the highest none that I can think of really.
Future Famous Quote: "Show me the money...and the smiles!"

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